The Hilarious Misadventures of Norm L. Person

The Hilarious Misadventures of Norm L. Person

Norm L. Person wakes up every morning with a plan.

Today, he will act normal.

He will make eye contact for the correct duration. He will smile when smiling is expected. He will respond to “How are you?” with an answer that is socially acceptable and not technically accurate.

So far, the results have been… mixed.

Observation #1: Humans Say Things They Don’t Mean Constantly

When a human says, “We should get together sometime,” they are not proposing a plan.

Norm logged this as an error.

He followed up. He suggested dates. He created a shared calendar.

The human appeared alarmed.

Conclusion:

This phrase functions as a polite farewell, not an actionable request.

Observation #2: Breaks Are Vague on Purpose

Norm was informed he could “take a break whenever.”

He is still unclear what this means.

Is a break five minutes?

Ten?

Long enough to stare at a wall and rethink one’s life choices?

When asked if he was still on his break, Norm responded honestly:

“I am unsure when it officially ended.”

This was apparently the wrong answer.

Observation #3: Confidence Is Mostly Performance

Norm has observed that confidence is often unrelated to competence.

Humans who speak quickly and decisively are assumed to know what they’re doing, even when they do not.

Humans who pause, reflect, or hesitate are often seen as uncertain — even when they are correct.

Norm finds this inefficient but fascinating.

He is practicing nodding slowly while saying things like,

“Yeah, that makes sense,”

even when it does not.

Observation #4: Everyone Is Blending In

At social gatherings, Norm stands in doorways.

He watches humans form small circles. Laugh at the appropriate moments. Hold cups they no longer want.

Everyone is performing.

Everyone is trying to appear comfortable.

Everyone is blending in.

Norm feels right at home there.

Final Note

Norm L. Person may not be human.

But he is very good at noticing what humans pretend not to notice.

And if that feels familiar —

You’re probably doing just fine.